I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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