cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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