kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
