I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
