Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
