I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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