wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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