paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
