M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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