I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Randomize
