I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
