We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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