Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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