Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
