Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
birth control should be required to get into college
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
