i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
