I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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