I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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