no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
