You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
