i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
