I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
