And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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