after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
