Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
