i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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