you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
