Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
false alarm, still single
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