I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
