i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
