Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
