Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
