Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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