My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
