I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
