cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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