I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
