He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
