You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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