she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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