My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
