You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
