YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
