That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
