You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
