Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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