Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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