I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
