I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
