he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well I just put wine in my tea
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
