I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize