Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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