Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
