Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
After tacos, we're chasing women.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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