when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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