just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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