one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
