He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
We had to coat check the pizza.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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