I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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