I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
