Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
